Chest pain

On Tuesday morning we sat as usual, me Elza and Freja and ate breakfast when Freja complained that it hurt in the "pee" i.e. the breast, we asked if she meant the nipple because she got there, no she said and pointed to her left breast....then it hurts over to the other breast, it doesn't feel good mother in my heart she said. After those words, it was like a cold shower over my body for a second, my chest filled with fear and my heart rate started to rise...god in heaven is it supposed to be like this? To be afraid all the time? We tried to really find out if it was the heart but it's so hard when she's only 4 years old. I had to call 1177, hung up when there was a 30 minute queue, tried to call the children's heart reception, 45 minutes waiting time so it didn't work either so I had to call an ambulance and ask for advice.

I explain how she expressed herself and told her that she had a seizure and ask what the heck I should do because I don't know... quite right told them that you called us, we will send a car and they will come and check on her.

Called Jonas so he was home a short distance from work, older sister was worried so she wanted to come with us to the hospital if we were going there. 112 called a couple of times and asked questions to make sure Freja's condition was under control and not in a "near death situation", the only ones were that this morning she was calmer and didn't eat her sandwich just drank her vitamins. The ambulance called again and said that they will take her into the children's ward to check her, which is a relief because how else will you know?

This worry, not knowing, my little child, all these emotions that wash over you and make every bone in your body ache, you end up in a vicious circle, my neck is about to break and this is from stress and worry that creates tensions.

When the ambulance arrived, three nice people wandered into the living room to talk to Freja, who had to tell her how she felt. The ambulance ride was very stimulating and interesting, 1000 questions probably weren't enough and the guy who sat with Freja was as cute as can be, wow what a job they do.

Inside the child, an ultrasound was performed and they found nothing more life-threatening than a leak on the aorta. The EKG showed nothing dangerous either. She also did blood tests and measured the pressure. So good it's not wise, she clicked the EKG wires herself because she was good at it she said hahaha.

After several hours in the hospital we could go home, nice...we were all hungry and exhausted. However, no one knows what creates the evil or unpleasantness in Freja and in my opinion I want to find that reason, out of respect for Freja and to be able to meet her with her feeling. Investigation continues if I get to decide!

Inside the hospital they also called from Salgrenska in Gothenburg and wanted to tell us that we had to come down because they want to examine Freja's eyes thoroughly, they were concerned about her right eye. Great that we get to do it so we know how it is and they are professionals down there when it comes to children's eyes. I would think we will go there within three weeks!

Tomorrow we will meet with two counsellors, one who can help us with the practical and one where we will get help dealing with emotions around Freja's illness. Tomorrow we absolutely have to lift this with the trip down to Gothenburg with booking flights and hotels, because last time it was very difficult and we had to lie around with money and that's not going to happen, it took several months and Jonas was referred here and there , it's very messy.

The feeling I feel in everything now is that it is so much for me....this worry that you carry with you that I am terrified that she will die it is terrible....no one can take it away from me, I have to process myself, it is my process and my journey to grow in regarding her illness. It's actually only been a year and everyone is different and handles things differently...I also have my past with my struggle with my son who had chronic migraines growing up and all the hospital visits with that...it's getting to me , feels like you haven't been able to relax in 20 years.

Again, you have to take it one day at a time....

Now I'm actually going to check for a pulse and activity watch for Freja, the doctor said it might be good to measure her pulse...I'll have to see how reliable they are, but the question is raised to the children's heart team. Also want a blood pressure machine at home for security's sake so that is also something to check. Do you also think that with a heart rate and activity clock, it might help the preschool and herself to learn to keep track?

Yes, today is a new day and what it has to offer shows itself, however, I wish that life would be a little kinder to me financially because now it is not fun at all and does not immediately make you feel better.

All my love and respect

Petra